Monday, August 28, 2006


What a relief! McHenry's tests for the terminal illnesses have all been negative! I now just have to wait for a result about an allergy commonly known as the cause of "cat scratch fever" in humans. (Apologies if the mention of this sets off the Ted Nugent song in the simulate mind.) Wednesday will be stressful as that's the day McH. gets put under to remove what remains of the tooth he knocked out from running around. Oy vey, kids. Maybe he'll wear the new jammies. Katzenjammies. But I don't know, he really is used to sleeping in the fluff.

The thought of saying goodbye, see you later to McHenry brought up many deep and powerful feelings, including retraumatization from so many so longs already experienced. I'd barely any time to get to know this amazing little faerie. His transition to another plane -- I wasn't ready for that.

As much acquainted with grief and bereavement in my short life -- almost disproportionately so -- each new, albeit temporary loss, is not easier. It sometimes seems to get harder, because each endured event opens the heart even wider, and sensitizes the psyche ever more intensely. Each event wounds the simulate self, drying it up paper thin, exposing the authentic self to the realities of formerly unseen, unheard, unfelt -- and ignored -- multidimensions. These worlds emit their own form of light, which can be piercing to the point of feeling painful and wounding. This is not to say that many people don't head in the other direction, away from these other realities, wrapping yet another thick blanket around the face of the heart, in order to veil the soul in shadows, to keep out the higher vibrating light that exposes us in all our assumed vulnerabilities. Familiarity comes with these winds that can rush through our souls with typhoon forces, yet it doesn't do to try to prepare for and defend against the storms, and there's no place one can move to avoid them. There's no insurance for hurricanes of the soul.

There is, however, an eye in the storm. This is the eye of the Universe, which sees and accepts everything about us, including our resistance. It's an immense place of warmth and light and calmness, which, if found and entered and experienced, will remain after the stormy feelings have passed. It will be there when they return. This eye is also one's own.

In spite of all my experiences with other worlds, I still experience my simulate self reacting to "death" as manifested in this world of material physicality. As long as I have a body, there will always be interactive, fear responses -- shutting down, running away, rage, anguish. As mentioned in The Risen, there are few on this planet who would not feel something when our loved ones disappear from our sight and side.

My response is -- eventually, and hopefully sooner than later -- to reach out to others for support -- including those in spirit. Tim, together with my one grandmother who rarely makes an appearance, suggested in this most recent challenge that I could "enlarge myself" so as to make room to contain the perceived threats -- to become so large, that things contained therein would seem very small. I understood this right away, because of my experiences with multidimensions, all of which are entered from our within-ness. I would have to go within and enter that which at first seems too tiny to enter, but which widens as a rushing river bursting through a dam. The river of emotions then takes me further in, ever-widening my world experience. This world contains all I've ever known - all the loved ones and their worlds, who have passed there before me and now await me.

I reached out to my support system of world-wide healers and shared what Tim and Grandma suggested, and they each focused in their own way upon that vision in order to enable me to bring energy to it, to manifest it. The result is that I felt expansion, and from there calmness and serenity. This world, and the Earth, seemed as small as a blue marble, safely contained within a loving, supportive Universe. Whatever the outcome of McHenry's tests, I could contain it. Many heartfelt thanks to my friends' magic, as they answered my call for help and joined with me and one another in establishing healing and growth.


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